jagienka | maybe i should just stop going to church..

Had to work the Paulist Center mass again for the kids from Suffolk. Of course, today being the first Sunday of the month it's the night of the young adult potluck there were lots of young people there. it was full and had a good vibe. And we sang a lot of songs that were dear to my heart. Was it Smith? No. But nothing will ever be Smith. There was chanting of 'Into your hands I commend my spirit" and my general sense was the opposite of what it was last time I was there.

This time it felt like this was my tradition. Like I'm crazy for trying to find a church home elsewhere. (which led to an interesting line of thought that obviously i can't find a church home anywhere because there's no place for me, because obviously i'm not supposed to get ordained so why would i find a place where that could happen - yes, i know it's silly and snowballing downwards, but my brain is like that)

And the beginning of mass was just me being filled with so much guilt - how dare i think i could find a home outside the Roman Catholic Church? Yeah, not a fun feeling.

This all just served to remind me that November & February are technically my bad months and that right now I think ordination and churches and all are too much trouble and I just want to hide from them and clergy for a good long while.